?That up there is just your average, ordinary, everyday water bug, also called water striders or pond skaters. They’re about the size of a mosquito,
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This is the Giant Water bug, so named because scientists are not exactly "creative types." It can grow to over four inches long,
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We wish we could tell you that they stay in their watery homes, and that you only have to worry about them if you go swimming in South American ponds (in which case you’re either suicidal or a South American) but they’re also colloquially known as "electric light bugs" because of their tendency to fly toward artificial light sources at night.
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So hey,
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Holy Shit! Are they Dangerous?
Regardless of their actual threat level, a four inch long amphibious insect with Jesus powers flying at your face will, at the very least, severely wound your manhood when you cry and swat frantically at the air around you before politely asking God to let you go home.
However,
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So it literally liquefies your muscles,
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We’re not being controversial here when we issue this statement: Fuck spiders. Just look at that picture up there; fuck that noise. We don’t care how big that thing is,
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The Horror,
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We guess spiders are chronic terror over achievers, because that image is not bullshit, it is exactly what it looks like: A spider eating a fucking bird.
That’s called Nephila Edulis, the Giant Golden Orb web Spider and, according to the Head Spider Keeper of the New South Wales Australian Reptile Park (who must have murdered a convent full of puppies to get karma shitty enough for that job) tells us that this type of spider sometimes grows "as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger."
Look at that! It’s eating a freaking bird! Birds can fly! Can you fly?! The bird literally had access to an entire axis that you don’t, and the spider still got it. What chance is there for you?!
Although the poison this particular species makes is pretty much the same thing produced by black widows,
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Some might call that a comforting thought,
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Most of us are aware that jellyfish are little more than floating shopping bags filled with wet terror. What’s worse is that they’re typically too small, too translucent and too inconspicuous to spot in open water.
Most poisonous creatures flag themselves with bright colors and elaborate displays to let potential predators know that they’re poisonous. Jellyfish apparently don’t really care if you attack them,
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Well, most jellyfish are content with their invisible dickery, anyway. Not the Lion’s Mane Jellyfish. It wants you to see it. It’s going to make goddamn sure that you don’t miss it, because it’s the size of a fucking Ford Fiesta.
The Lion’s Mane Jellyfish can grow to be eight feet across,
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The Lion’s Mane Jellyfish, pictured here with its only natural predator: Gravity.
We’d like to tell you it’s harmless, we really would. We would love to tell you that the worst thing that could happen is that you get slimed by something that looks like a giant exploding testicle,
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Considering that anybody even considered that advice is ballsy enough to be underwater in Australia in the first place the country where monsters are born you know that’s a pretty serious warning. Their sting can cause extreme pain, cramping and even respiratory failure; which would suck in the best of circumstances, much less when you’re trapped beneath several million tons of water and surrounded by orbs of living poison,
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