?Could this possibly be behavior brought on by her neglectful/abusive mother and the subsequent trauma of switching homes?
Attachment disorders are often an issue for kids who have been abused and neglected, and switching care givers (though of course better for them in the long run) can be additionally detrimental to attachment in these kids.
I strongly recommend you and your DH find a good therapist to work with her, and your family, as well as look into a trauma assessment if she was abused.
I agree with the previous poster but I do have a couple things to add. It seems with my own kids, a lot of defiant behavior is a case of the child trying to take control of a situation. If your SD was neglected, she probably had to take control of of some things that a child of her age shouldn’t have to. You and your DH are stepping in as parents and she is having to step back to be the child she should be and that is probably hard for her. So, if she isn’t willing to tell you where her soes are I might say okay, we’re leaving and you won’t be wearing shoes if that is your choice. Then follow through! Instead of punising her for not listening to you, make her realize that she is responsible for the her actions. Like the PP said, I think a good terapist could be a huge help with the adjustmentfor all of you. Best of luck!
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